Self Efficacy: An Important Goal of Parenting by Dr. Tim Jordan
LN Parenting
I like to begin some of my presentations with an exercise that allows parents to ‘begin with the end in mind.’ I have them visualize their children as 25-year-olds, and to see them at their fullest potential. We then make a list of what kind of character, values and traits their adult children exemplify, and this ‘end-in-mind’ becomes the guidepost for how they will need to parent.
My wife and I have three children in their twenties, and our list would have included important values such as compassion and being of service. And in order for them to succeed in their life’s work, the trait I also value is self-efficacy. That is the belief that you have mastery over the events of your life. It means you have what it takes to overcome obstacles and challenges. It’s a ‘can-do’ attitude that underlies hope and optimism, two other important traits. Because so many parents today micromanage, overindulge and overprotect their children, I worry the kids aren’t developing self-efficacy.
A University of Kansas study showed that hope was a better predictor of first semester grades for college freshmen than IQ or SAT scores! And a University of Pennsylvania study showed that scores on optimism were a better predictor of actual grades freshman year than SAT scores or high school grades. To me, hope and optimism are earned, not bestowed as graduation gifts. Let me give you some suggestions about how to ensure that your 18-year-olds leave home with a high sense of self-efficacy, hope and optimism.
First, kids need to be allowed to try new things, fail and get frustrated; try again and fail; and try again and succeed and, as a result, be able to say, I did it! These kinds of experiences build persistence, resiliency and self-confidence. Kids need to be allowed to think for themselves. Whether the issue is not being able to find their baseball glove, friendship troubles, or having accrued $200 worth of parking tickets at college, parents’ primary response should be, So what will you do? rather than a litany of advice or doing it for them.
Allow kids opportunities to take risks, make mistakes and then learn from them. Be sure they have some unsupervised time like we used to have as kids. Roaming the streets and woods with our buddies allowed us to challenge ourselves out in the real world and to learn street smarts.
Have kids earn their freedoms and privileges. Whatever next freedom they are clamoring for, tell them that as soon as they show you A, B and C, you’ll know they are ready for D. A good expression is, Here’s what we need to see from you that will tell us you are ready for ___________. This puts the ball in their court, and earning their privileges--be it having a cell phone, getting on Facebook or driving--becomes an empowering experience for them. That’s much better than just handing it over to them.
Finally, encourage them to try out a lot of different activities over the years to help them find what they are good at, what they have a passion for and eventually what their life’s work will be. Putting their heart and soul into something they love to do helps them become their best self.
Knowing that they can make their life what they want it to be and knowing that they can overcome any obstacles in their path because they’ve been allowed to meet challenges themselves--that is what will let your kids leave home with high levels of hope and optimism and be successful.
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