Safe Places

LN Parenting

by Dr. Tim Jordan

Somewhere along the way we lost sight of the importance of time alone. Our culture has abandoned concepts like solitude, contemplation and soul searching for a hyper-focus on ‘more,’ ‘better,’ ‘faster’ and being ‘plugged in.’

    For kids and teens, a related experience is their need for ‘safe places.’ This is a place where they can ‘get away from it all.’ For kids in grade school, it can be a place to get away from an annoying younger sibling, or a place to go to refuel after a long day at school. This is particularly crucial for kids sensitive to their environment (noise, lights, crowds, energy, etc.) At some point they reach their threshold for handling stimulation, and they need quiet places to refill their tank of tolerance.

    Middle schoolers, and especially middle school girls, need a safe place to go where they don’t have to worry about how they look, what they say, or about pressures from the opposite sex. They love to put on music and dance crazy and act silly and regain touch with the little kid who’s still alive and well inside that changing body.

    It’s especially nice if you have a true friend with whom you can be yourself and feel totally accepted. What a precious gift that is for a 12-year-old. A true friend also allows them to talk about their feelings, their hopes, fears and insecurities, and their needs and desires. This ‘venting’ allows them to know they aren’t the only ones who feel that way.

    Teens need quiet alone time to check in with themselves to learn who they are and what’s right for them. They need to learn how to listen to their inner voice to make important decisions. A safe place also allows them to let their hair down and relax and refill their tanks. They are so busy and stressed and plugged into electronics; solitude is the balancing piece to ground them. Teens, especially, need to be able to vent and to have ‘cool’ adults they trust to bounce things off.

    So talk to your kids about the importance of having a safe place where they can go and relax, think and be themselves. Ask them where they go for that, and how you can support them in having that time to take care of themselves. Find places where they can be with people their age and feel safe enough to get real and talk about what’s on their minds. Every kid I meet today is looking for deeper connections with friends. Retreat settings, camps and church groups are great places to create that.

    President Harry Truman always talked about returning to his own ‘mental foxhole’ in his mind to handle the stresses of his presidency. So if it’s important for a U.S. president, it’s also important for kids and teens. Make safe places a priority in your children’s lives.

“A man must keep a little black shop where he can be himself without reserve. In solitude alone can he know true freedom.” --Montaigne