LN Parenting

by Dr. Tim Jordan

I was struck by an article in Parade Magazine recently entitled “We can get through this together” by Dr. Phil McGraw.  Dr. Phil described the same guilt, desperation, depression, fears and stress many adults are feeling due to the loss of jobs, homes, downsizing and changes wrought by a tough economy.  He spoke of many of his patients losing their self confidence and self worth.  He prescribes some antidotes for all of this in the article; and I think he missed the forest for the trees.  Let me explain.

              The cause of the shame, depression, and falling confidence is not the economy and it’s not about a decreased salary or job loss.  And it’s not about losing our “things”, i.e. houses, cars, toys.  It’s about what meaning we’ve given to all of those things.

              Too many people live by the maxim that “you are your job”, or “you are your house”.  Too much of our self worth has become wrapped up in how much money we make, the size of our house, and the prestige of our jobs.

              We are also being dragged down emotionally by what author Anthony DeMello calls our “attachments”.  Attachments are anything you’ve been conditioned to believe you need to be happy. 

              “I can’t be happy unless I make X amount of money”, or “I can’t be happy unless I have this kind of lifestyle”.  “I need a beautiful spouse, the perfect body, people to affirm me, etc. or I can’t be happy.” 

              The trap in that kind of thinking is that your happiness and sense of yourself  become dependent on people and situations outside yourself.  If someone tells you that you look cute or that they are proud of you, you feel good about yourself and confident.  But if someone doesn’t want to go out with you or makes a negative comment about your weight, you feel deflated and not good enough.

              So your self worth goes up and down based on externals, and you are not in charge of your life or feelings.  Which is why a down economy and it’s ramifications can create such intense negative emotions in us.

              My worry is that kids are watching all of this play out and becoming conditioned to accept this attachment model.  The last thing parents want for their teens is for them to be looking outside of themselves for their sense of themselves; i.e. “Am I pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough?” We don’t want them comparing themselves to movie stars, models, athletes and rock stars to decide if they are good enough.

              I want kids to find their contentment and self worth from within, and to know that they are always in charge of their feelings and happiness.  I want them to understand that their job title and the size of their home need not define who they are.  Who they are is about so much more than looks and bank accounts and popularity.

              Loving other people, serving other people and making their distinct difference in the world is what is important and what brings happiness and fulfillment.  The silver lining I’d like to see come out of this recession is that we all become less focused on acquiring “things” and needing externals to make us happy.  Drop your attachments.  Take responsibility for your feelings.  Our kids deserve a healthier model, so focus on giving and serving and watch the depression and fears melt away.