LN Parenting

by Dr. Tim Jordan

“Children want our presence, not our presents.”  ~ Jessie Jackson

              At the end of a recent retreat for high schoolers I facilitated, we had an interesting discussion between the teens and their parents.  Each group was asked to brainstorm a list:  for the teens, ways they wanted their parents to support them and be involved in their lives; for the parents, ways they wanted to support their teenager. 

              When we compared the lists, it was amazing how similar they were.  At the top of both lists was listening.  Both teens and their parents talked about the importance of being fully present when they were together.  The parents were surprised that the teens wanted more one on one time with them and that they appreciated fair boundaries and being held accountable to agreements.

              During the retreat, one boy had shared tearfully that both his parents worked long hours and so were exhausted when they were home.  He also shared that even though it was fun sneaking out at all hours of the night, he wished his parents cared enough about him to notice.  He had even put a note on his parents bedroom door at midnight one night that he was going out and that if they were worried about him, to call.  He never got that call or a discussion about the note.  It made sense why he had given up on getting his needs met at home, and why his friends were so important to him. 

              Most important to me was the open, free flow of ideas back and forth between the two groups.  Both sides felt heard, understood and appreciated.  We had them make commitments to each other about continuing the dialogue at home.

              So, as you embark on a new year of parenting, here are a few suggestions about staying connected to your children, and especially teenagers.

1.  Ask them how they want to be loved and supported.  Their needs change as they get older, and I encourage teens to teach their parents how to treat them as an ongoing process.  Be open to their ideas.

2.  Share age-appropriate stories about when you were their age.  Kids love these stories.  It makes us human and real.  All they see of us is the “finished product: and they don’t realize we went through zits, break ups, disrespectful teachers and periods of self doubt.  Your stories about going through something similar to their current experiences lets them know you really do understand them.  Be willing to be vulnerable.

3.  When you are together, be fully present!  Make a commitment that when you are driving in the car that you both will turn off your cell phones and Ipods.  Turn off the TV and take the phone off the hook during meal times.  When kids are around distracted parents, they feel not cared about, unimportant and unloved.  Plus, it’s often during those walks and drives that kids open up and tell us what’s on their minds.  Don’t miss out.

4.  Play together more.  Make down time, play time and time in nature a priority.  So many teens complain to me that most of the time they spend with their parents is about being corrected or taught or in power struggles.  Don’t let that happen in your home.

              I can’t emphasize enough the need for ongoing, regular, open, respectful dialogue between you and your teenager.  The parents from my teen retreat were reminded that then teenagers are ready and willing. Do your part and have a great parenting year!