A Different Parenting Philosophy

LN Parenting

A Different Parenting Philosophyby Dr. Tim Jordan
Thursday, September 3, 2009 11:08 PM CDT

I’ve spent the summer with three groups of teens at my camps, which is probably why I’m encouraging you to see your parenting role a bit differently. As Kahlil Gibran notes in The Prophet:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Those words were extremely meaningful to me in my process of letting go with my three children. They allowed me to be a little more detached and less anxious about their lives. I became more grateful about having them in my home and in my life for part of their journey. I didn’t take their every success and failure so personally. It was easier to step back from their emotional roller coaster during the middle school and high school years.

I’ve always been a very responsible parent. But embracing the philosophy of that passage freed me up not to feel so responsible for their lives. It was their life, not mine. Let me give you the next passage from The Prophet.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them but seek not to make

them like you.

I grew up in a home that was pretty rigid in its thinking; there was one right way to do things, and that was my parents’ way. I didn’t appreciate not having my own thoughts, perspectives and voice growing up and did not want to recreate that with my own children. I wanted my kids to grow up able to think for themselves and to check things out and make up their own minds about issues. Critical and analytical thinking are essential skills for thriving as an adult. I didn’t want them making choices to please me or get my approval.

So, I had to learn to let go of the notion that I always knew what was best for them. I had to let them make mistakes and suffer the consequences of their choices and actions. I had to honor that they might do things differently than I would. Some kids just need to take the hard road. I had to learn that it wasn’t my job to fix or rescue them.

And I had to trust that they had their own path to take. There’s a lot of value in letting kids learn their own lessons in their way, and in their time. They have to build their own story and their own future. I can give feedback, guidance and examples from my own life, but ultimately it’s their journey, not mine.

So believing all that made it easier for me not to feel like I had to mold them, micromanage them and motivate them to stay on a course that I set for them. And that’s not how life actually works anyway. Just look at your own life. Hopefully you’re following your own lead, have discovered your own passions and purpose, and are self motivated and reaching for your own bar. If not, you’re probably not very fulfilled or happy.

Let me end with one more line from The Prophet, which I hope helps you start seeing your role as a parent a little differently.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.