 I Don’t Like My Child’s Friendsby Dr. Tim Jordan LN Parenting I saw a dad and his 18-year-old son in my office many years ago because the dad was concerned about the kids his son was hanging with. In the midst of having each of them listen to the other’s point of view, the son told his dad something that has stuck with me. I hate it when you judge my friends. My friends are everything to me. I am my friends. So when you judge them, and tell me you don’t like them, you are judging me and saying you don’t like me! As an adult, I can’t say I totally agree with his logic. But after working with teens as a counselor and at teen retreats and camps for over 25 years, I get it. Like it or not, that’s how most teens feel about their friends--and I bet you did too when you were growing up. Realistically, there are times when your kids will start spending time with friends you don’t like for various reasons. So what to do? First and foremost, the quality of your relationship with your child, your ‘goodwill account,’ will dictate how much of an influence you will have over issues like this. If you’ve been making regular deposits into the account by being respectful, listening, giving kids lots of say-so and choices, etc., then you have a much better chance of them hearing your point of view and having a deep, meaningful two-way conversation about their friendships. Be very mindful not to judge their friends. I remember a 17-year-old camper once telling me how one night at the dinner table she mentioned that a girl in her class had gotten pregnant. Her dad’s quick response was to judge, She’s such a slut. The daughter told me that she never talked about her friends, her boyfriends or sexuality again with her dad. His judgments shut that door tight. There’s a big difference between not liking a friend’s behavior and not liking the friend. Kids hang out with different types of people because they learn something new about themselves in the process. Be curious. Ask your kids what they see in that friend, what’s the attraction. You may be surprised by what you hear. Ask your child how they are taking care of themselves if some of the people they are around are into mischief. How do they set boundaries and stay ‘in integrity’ with what they know is right? It’s a good opportunity to discuss setting boundaries. And let’s stop treating our kids like they are frail and incompetent. We were able to maneuver through different kinds of friends. Being too involved in friendship issues may rob kids of important relationship lessons. Talk through these issues like you have confidence in them. When parents get too judgmental and controlling about ‘bad kids,’ we risk our kids getting more tied to them, just to show us who’s in charge of their friendships! Don’t make those kinds of kids their newest forbidden fruit. There are times when parents may need to step in and be more proactive. If you see signs of falling grades, decreasing motivation and attitude, getting into trouble at school or with the law, or signs of alcohol and drug usage, of course, step in and take appropriate action. But in the vast majority of cases, I’d recommend some open, heart-to-heart discussions. Listen a lot, hear and understand where your kids are coming from, add your wisdom when they can hear it, and trust that your kids can and will take care of themselves. Dr. Tim Jordan is a behavioral pediatrician, international speaker and author. He has a counseling practice in Chesterfield for kids and teens, and with his wife, Anne, owns Camp Weloki, where they offer personal growth retreats and summer camps: weloki.com |