LN Parenting

by Dr. Tim Jordan

I don’t know about you, but it’s been frustrating for me lately to not know who to hold accountable for the mess going on with our economy.  Blaming the “banking system” or “Wall Street” is too vague.  And more importantly, I worry about what our kids are taking from all of this lack of accountability. 

              It’s hard to find adults in the news who actually step forward and say I made a mistake, here is why I made it, and here’s how I’m going to take responsibility for my actions.  And yet isn’t that how we want our kids to handle their mistakes?

              President Clinton played word games when confronted with his Lewinski affair.  President Bush never really owned up our erroneous reasons for going to war with Iraq.  Alex Rodriguez blamed his steroid use on being young and part of a culture where everyone else was doing it and so he thought it was okay.  I wished he had been honest and said I used drugs A and B, and I did it because I wanted to hit more home runs and make $25 million a year.  And I’m sorry I did it and here’s how I’m going to make up for it.

              In my retreats and summer camps for teenagers, we help kids learn about integrity.  We’ll have them think of a time they made a bad choice, and process through every step of the experience.  Let’s use the example of a group of teens who were out TP’ing a friend’s house, and at some point it got out of hand and some property was damaged.

              We have them recall when they got to that crucial decision point, and ask them if their internal alarm went off; that alarm that tells them that something’s not right; or you feel uncomfortable.  It’s critical that teens become aware of that alarm and how they experience it.  For some it’s a knot in their stomach, for others it’s an adrenaline rush or sweaty palms or a racing mind.

              With this awareness in hand, the next question is why did you ignore it that night?  Kids will share that they wanted to fit in, not look lame and then not be invited out the next time.  They’d rather do risky behavior that sit at home and feel like a loser.

              We then process those reasons and help teens work through why they feel left out or not confident in themselves.  We help them plan ways to handle those issues of self doubt or ways to find and create healthier and deeper friendships.  When they handle the reason, they are less vulnerable to making the wrong choice the next time.

             We have them review times when they got to that choice point, heard their alarms and made a good choice.  And what allowed them to stay in integrity with themselves.  We have them compare the feelings experienced when they were in integrity vs. when they were out of integrity.  Those feelings can be a powerful future motivator.

              Sometimes we’ll have them role play the same situation but doing it different.  They practice setting boundaries and speaking up for themselves.

              You can talk through experiences like this with your children.  It helps them to think things through and have a plan for the next time.

              Be sure you model living a life of integrity with the choices you make and the way you live your life.  Look for examples in real life, books and movies of people with high integrity.  Atticus Finch in the movie, To Kill A Mockingbird, is a good example.

              We apparently can’t rely on celebrities, sports figures, politicians and Wall Street CEO’s to show the way.  So balance all of their mischief with a home that models true integrity.